where we all come from

07Apr12

i have never seen a picture of myself, before the age of nine months old. as far as i am concerned, no such pictures exist. i am not sure where they went, or if they were ever taken, but one thing is clear; they are not in the house my mother has lived for the past eleven years. ergo, i will likely never see one, until i do some digging with old familial friends.

this i do know; i was born on may 26th, at st. vincent’s hospital in jacksonville, fl. i know i weighed six-odd pounds, and had mysterious growth on my right eye, which i still carry with me today. there is probably more to tell, but i would not know what it is. it seems i do not know much about my own life, and even the things i thought i knew were a lie.

growing up, i was told by my mother that c and i biologically had a different father than the man raising us. he let me be adopted by my stepfather because he didn’t know me that well, and did not love me like he did c (who he would not let our stepfather adopt). as children, we accepted this as gospel.

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as i got older, i became more curious about this man. what was his name? what did he look like? did i get my blue-green eyes from him? i approached my mother for more details; she told me that he had been a few years younger than she, very immature, and had cheated on her with a woman he later married.

drama ensued in my life, sourcing from other areas, and this natural curiosity was put to the back burner. when i was eighteen, however, c had a chance to hear his side of the story.

what man, one might think, would let their child be adopted by another? forget the fact that they barely knew said child, it is flesh and blood! but what if, what if he doesn’t think said child is his? apparently my mother started fooling around bedore he cheated. what if he, who is legally blind and has quite a bit of indian blood, did not think he fathered a girl with perfect eyesight (growth anomaly aside), with blonde hair and blue eyes?

someday, i will have to know who my biological father is. not only for health reasons, but because it is something i think everyone just needs to have an idea of. someday, i will order a blood test be taken between c and i, to determine whether we are half or full-blooded siblings. however, now is not the time. i will order that test perhaps when i am getting married, or pregnant with my first child.

i do not need to dwell on my parentage now. it would not be healthy. that does not mean though that i do not lie awake some nights, just wondering if it is him, and if not him, who?

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