down the rabbit hole



since i was small, i enjoyed escaping my reality via my imagination. like most children, i enjoyed playing ‘house’. i remember being able to open two closet doors so that they resembled double doors, and walking through them in my mom’s shoes, fancying myself as “cinderella”. that was normal, something any kid would do.

but that was also when i was about five, before my mom got severely emotionally manipulative and abusive. it was before we moved to isolation, to a seven-acre farm without any neighbors. it was before my family turned mennonite and back again. it was when i was normal, healthy.

i started living in fantasy lands full-time when i was about eleven, twelve. my sister and i began to have differing interests as she became a teenager, and as emotionally victimized as i was felt, i began to play off on my own, anyhow. i used to wander through the woods (hundreds of acres), hoping to step on a rattlesnake. i often fell asleep in a random open prairie, hoping i might not wake up.

while i walked, i imagined i might come across a little man, hurrying to get to wonderland. perhaps i might find a trail of strong-smelling flowers that would lead me to oz. i was not adverse to finding a chocolate river, leading me to candyland.

one scenario i played in my mind often was taken from ‘the parent trap’ and ‘it takes two’. imagine i found a mansion, and a little girl lived there that looked exactly like me. imagine we switch places. imagine i get to leave my family, my life, and never have to go back not ever.


mary-kate and ashley olsen in 'it takes two'

as i got older, i started walking in the woods less, instead holing myself up in my bedroom, watch movies, playing online, waiting until it was dark enough to sleep. sometimes, i miss the people and creatures, the lands i got to explore. sometimes, i wish i could go back and revisit oz one more time …

…then i remember i would have to go back to florida and live with my parents. all desire, gone.

i believe in everything until it’s disproved. so i believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now? – john lennon


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