coming out of the closet

09Jul12

one of my biggest anxieties is ‘what will people think of me?’ this anxiety has kept me from doing so much, from enjoying myself, beause i have this worry. it was drilled into me at a young age that appearance was everything. every sunday, my mom would groom us to look like we were this perfect family. i would hear her literally change her voice on the phone. it is important to appear perfect, unlawed, normal, unblemished

my facebook is groomed to the max. every time i am about to accept a friend request, i look over my profile and make sure that they will still like me after they see it. why? because they would judge me. i am terrified of being judged.

i showed my best friend this blog. f lives over 1,000 miles away, and loves me for me. she isn’t going to care or find offense in any of the content of this blog, and might only love me more through it. but she might judge me, so that leaves me afraid. afraid she won’t like me anymore, afraid that she will think i am weird, afraid of everything. yes, it is irrational, but it doesn’t stop me from panicking.

but i need to show this to her. i need to work up to showing my sisters, maybe my aunt. i need to be comfortable in the fact that that these words are mine. i need to not give a crap
if everyone i know knows they are.

i need to be unafraid to be me.

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6 Responses to “coming out of the closet”

  1. No one has the right to judge another person for whatever reason…Having said this I understand where you’re coming from as I used to worry about the same thing for many years and if I thought I had said something that someone ‘might’ have misunderstood I would worry that they would not like me anymore…but along the way I understood the fallacy of these thoughts. …the key is to like yourself …even to love yourself ..for who you are and what you stand for…And if YOU do then others ‘that matter’ will as well. Not everyone will like you…I know that to be true..but we can’t live our lives expecting that… From what I know you are a lovely young woman wiht hopes and dreams……BELIEVE IT! …Diane

  2. 2 grosenberg

    This resonates for me. I hate offending people yet at the same time I am finding truth in the statement “speak your truth for those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter”

  3. People judge that which they do not understand. They don’t get you? Screw ’em babe, ’cause they don’t deserve you. I believe in forcing a change in the world. It helps to weed out the people who aren’t your true friends. If they loved you, they would stand behind you, 100%. Every time you edit yourself for someone else, judgement wins. Be yourself, the world will step in line and accept you, albeit grudgingly, for it. 🙂

  4. Girl, this is sooooo me! I am the exact same way down to the nitty gritty details. Your blog is fabulous, just like you.

  5. i so understand this, it is how i was raised too. just take baby steps, it’s a lot easier than a giant leap!

  6. 6 f

    i’d never judge you. i love you and i don’t know what i’d do without you in my life. i’d never say or do anything to jeopardize our friendship. you’re like a sister to me.


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