fear to stand


you are in the break room, and you hear people whispering about billy the fugitive. they whisper aout how mean he is, how dangerous, and all you can think about is softball. how he helped you ride a bike. how funny he was when he wasn’t pulling your hair. billy is your brother, and despite all his faults, you love him. but just because you love him doesn’t mean you are going to out yourself to your coworkers as his sibling.

that is my life with bipolar disorder. granted, i am not sure if i have it or not, but if i do, i can compartmentalize the parts of me the disorder affects. i am not thrilled with the mood swings i have, and i sometimes just want to be normal. but then i consider my creativity, my obsessions, the things that make me different, and i wouldn’t trade them for the world.

just like you wouldn’t trade your brother.

oftentimes, i hear people talk in low voices about people with bipolar disorder. “i was once a camp counselor, and there was a girl in my cabin with bipolar disorder. she winged out on me one night, and we had to call the cops.” “she did work here, until she got diagnosed with bipolar. none of us really wanted her here after that, and i think she got the message. it was just so uncomfortable, you know?” “he’s in the counseling office. it has to do with his crazyyyness. he called it bi-what-have-you.”

2/3 of the above were from last week alone.

i’m not crazy.

sometimes, i feel i should stand up to these people. for these people they are talking about. for myself. for everyone out there who struggle with that label. for everyone who struggle with other labels. but i don’t. because the moment i identify myself with bipolar disorder is the moment people start looking at me differently.

and they won’t be able to hear over their stereotypes and predjudices, my whisper, i’m not crazy.



3 Responses to “fear to stand”

  1. well put!

  2. It’s really tough to be torn in two different directions…..Diane

  3. I’ve nominated you for an award: http://halfwaybetweenthegutter.wordpress.com/2012/07/24/very-inspiring-blogger-award-2/. There’s no pressure to participate, just wanted to let you know you’re appreciated.

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